A Life Changing Decision

I've officially gotten pumped up about going back to school to pursue a Masters degree. I've received a lot of encouragement that has convinced me that it would be the best decision. The problem? The deadline for graduate school applications is TODAY. That's right, June 1st. Crap!

I talk a good game. I say a lot of junk about my wanting to get into new and exciting activities/hobbies/careers but never really follow through. Now is my chance to follow through. I'm pumped up about school but do I really want to do it? Crap. Crap. Crap. I have to make my decision NOW. I have the online application up on my desktop as we speak. The reason the decision needs to be made NOW as opposed to just waiting is because if I miss this deadline, I can't get in until NEXT Fall. Who knows how I'll feel by then. I need to take advantage of my willingness to go back to school NOW. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?!

What I'm afraid of is that I really don't want to stay in the field that I'm in. Actually there are a lot of things in my life right now that I feel pretty UNpassionate about. And lately - I just feel like I've been going through the motions of life without feeling anything for it. What is the matter with me? I've hit a very big slump in my life. How do you "find" yourself? How do you find your passions? The things I've toyed with so far that I thought would jump-start me are:

Getting involved with a cause. I know that's a very general statement but I mean like a willing to protest political stance on something. Abortion. Gay Marriage. SOMETHING. Or perhaps a cause to find a cure? Breast Cancer. AIDS. Chlamydia.

Volunteering. This is also a very general statement and could possibly work with the first bullet point but what? What would I volunteer doing? The last time I volunteered was in the 10th grade and it was a disaster. I ended up being a huge brat and used "retard" in the most horrifically derogatory way possible to describe a child I was working with at THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS. I'm an awful person.

Photography. I always go through this phase. I enjoy the arts and dreamt of being an artist one day until my father crapped all over it in high school. Since then, I've gotten a little crazier and don't think I could ever pick up a paintbrush again without cutting off my ear. And then what would I do with all of my earrings? I love good photography. I fantastize about being Annie Leibovitz. But I guess I'm afraid of pursuing this avenue because what if I'm not as talented as I imagined? That's kind of crushing to the soul, isn't it?

What do I do? I'm at a crossroads. Do I apply? Do I not apply? Do I get involved in something. Should I not bother? Do I try to follow a small dream and risk failure? Do I save my ego the humiliation?

More Photos from the Wedding of the Year!
Zach (a groomsman) and Ronny. This is a good shot of the entire outfit the boys were wearing. Brown suits and the best shoes EVER.


This picture cracks me up. Normally - we all take super silly photos. I'm not sure why 3 out of 4 of us decided to be normal but these are the results when we don't all agree on the pose:


My brother delivering one of the most moving speeches ever (despite dropping the f-bomb several times).