Farts for Everyone

Katie e-mailed me The Wife's Bill of Rights yesterday. It was meant as a joke and I did laugh a little... but it brought out some of my annoyance with men vs women stereotypes.

Amendment VI
We have the right to clean air.
You may think it's funny, masculine, or natural to pass gas anywhere and anytime you please, but when the smell drives us to gag, it's uncool. There is something inherently wrong in the relationship if you must walk over to us and fart, or if you intentionally set a bad example for the kids. We fart too, but we do so discreetly for a reason. You may not like our potpourri and scented candles, but they're infinitely better than toxic and flammable methane.

Maybe it's unfeminine for me to fart in front of The Mr. but at the same time, why would I hide it? I'm gassy. Big deal. If I really tried to be discreet about it, I'd spent half of my alone time with him in separate rooms. I get that perhaps pulling fingers, farting then laughing hysterically can get old sometimes but I'm not going to "be discrete" just because I'm a woman. F that. Equal rights mean I can fart where I want, dammit!

Amendment X
We have the right to foreplay.
A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling—these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Please don't reach for our crotch or breasts and expect us to melt into a porn kitten. It didn't work when we met, it most certainly doesn't work now. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of Texas that needs squeezing and cherishing. We appreciate you more when you think about how it feels to us rather than how it feels to you.

I agree that The Mr's boob squeeze with the raised eyebrow needs a little work but the act of gazing into each other's eyes and cuddling is ridiculous. My idea of foreplay? Clean the house! Finish a home project! Do something thoughtful. I don't need Kenny G playing in the background to get me in the mood. I need to feel appreciated and perhaps have some of the stress lifted off of me.

On the flip side, there is a Husband's Bill of Rights out there.

Amendment V

We have the right to teach our sons how to burp and fart.
Sharing bodily functions with our offspring is as much about life as it is about jokes. It's also something that can help brings kids and dads together. Believe me, kids and guys always laugh at farts—that's how we're wired. And we're not talking about being totally gross and inappropriate. We vow to teach them that there is a time and a place for behavior like this—and that the early service at Church is not one of them.

What's with this article and farting? And why is it such a male thing? Last I checked, females had intestines and assholes too.

Anywho - so my 1 year wedding anniversary is coming up. For those married gals that read this, what did you guys do to celebrate? Did you exchange gifts? Did you stick to the "traditions" (i.e. paper is the 1 year anniverary gift).

On an unrelated note, how bad is it that I'm totally digging this song that Perez posted on his site. It's frickin Simon Rex rapping. I remember back in 1996 when he hosted MTV Late night and I used to stay up until 3am to watch him. Wow.