The Detox

This is a kind of long post (mostly because I've copied the detox plan into this post) so apologies in advance for that…

I also feel I must preface this post with the following statements:

1 - I do not have an eating disorder.
2 - I don't plan on developing an eating disorder.
3 - I don't think I'm fat. I just think I was taking myself down a destructive road of rotten teeth, a muffin top and overall feeling of poopiness.
4 - I do not think Gwyneth Paltrow is a diet expert and find it a little annoying that she was even think she needed to shed a few pounds.
5 - I realize that the diet has some contradictions in it (i.e. you can't have dairy yet the smoothies call for whey protein).
6 - This diet is not veg-friendly so technically I cheated. I tried substituting the chicken and fish with seitan but seitan is a wheat gluten and this is supposed to be gluten-free. I have realized the seitan prepared in the manner below is TERRIBLE so I switched to beans.

So - here are some highlights from the detox plan (available at Gwyneth Paltrow's site Goop:

DETOX
It is that time of year, folks. I need to lose a few pounds of holiday excess. Anyone else? I like to do fasts and detoxes a couple of times during the year, the most hardcore one being the Master Cleanse I did last spring. It was not what you would characterize as pretty. Or easy. It did work, however. As I do not wish to subsist on lemon water in the middle of winter, I asked my doctor, a detox diet specialist, for the guidelines he uses to achieve a good detox that is not as hallucinogenic (in a bad way) as the Master Cleanse. He actually thinks that the Master Cleanse can be dangerous because the liver is not supported by the nutrients it needs. What it came down to was this: you can detox easily and effectively while you continue to eat as long as you are cutting out the foods and other substances that interfere with the detoxification process. Make sure you check with your doctor before you start any detox. Drink A LOT of water. I created this menu plan for a seven-day elimination diet. The shakes and juices are meant to be liquid meals that help decrease the amount of work your digestive system has to do. I will be suffering along with you to kickstart my year a bit lighter. Good luck to us all!

According to Dr. Alejandro Junger* (our detox specialist) in addition to the above, there are a few more "basic principles of detoxification" that should be kept in mind while following our detox menus.

Do deep breathing or gentle yoga.
Take a couple of spoonfuls of extra virgin olive oil at night to help stimulate your liver to eliminate bile and keep its circulation flowing.
If your bowel movements get sluggish, you can accelerate things by drinking half a cup of castor oil or using a mild herbal laxative. Bowel elimination is paramount for correct detoxification.
The skin gets rid of many toxins so it is important to sweat, either by exercising or taking a sauna.
Finally, make sure you eat whole organic foods, which have the best chance of having all the nutrients needed for liver and general detoxification.
*This is an excerpt from Dr. Junger's upcoming book Clean, which will be published in May. Be sure to pick up a copy!

The part about drinking castor oil to help you poop isn't very appealing, I know. And what's this about hallucinating?! I've always wanted to try the Master Cleanse but am pretty sure I'd die.

Anywho - this went from being a plan about weening myself off of desserts to a being a personal challenge for myself. Was I really capable of kicking my sugar habit? Was I able to really not constantly munch on food all day long?

Now onto the plan:

Adjust the time to your schedule and the meals to your taste but remember that there can be no dairy, grains with gluten, meat, shellfish, anything processed (including all soy products), fatty nuts, nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers and eggplant), condiments, sugar and obviously no alcohol, caffeine or soda.

DAY ONE
7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Blueberry and Almond Smoothie
11:30am: Coconut water
1:30pm (lunch): Salad with Carrot and Ginger Dressing
4pm (snack): A handful of mixed pumpkin and sunflower seeds
6pm (dinner): Broccoli and Arugula Soup

DAY TWO
7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Raspberry and Rice Milk Smoothie
11:30am: Coconut water
1:30pm (lunch): Detox Teriyaki Chicken and Steamed Greens
4pm (snack): Miso Soup with Watercress
6pm (dinner): Pea and Basil Soup

DAY THREE
7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Oatmeal (make with rice or almond milk instead of water so it's a bit more substantial)
11:30am: Coconut water
1:30pm (lunch): Blueberry and Almond Smoothie
4pm (snack): Cucumber, Lime and Basil Juice
6pm (dinner): Super Greens Juice / Miso Soup with Watercress

DAY FOUR
7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Mango and Coconut Milk Smoothie
11:30am: Coconut water
1:30pm (lunch): Miso Soup with Watercress
4pm (snack): A handful of blueberries
6pm (dinner): Steamed Salmon and Greens

DAY FIVE
7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Peach and Almond Smoothie
11:30am: Coconut water
1:30pm (lunch): Raw crudite (carrots, green beans, radishes, cucumbers, zucchini) with Carrot and Ginger Dressing
4pm (snack): Beet, Carrot, Apple and Ginger Juice
6pm (dinner): Cucumber and Avocado Soup

DAY SIX
7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Blueberry and Almond Smoothie
11:30am: Coconut water
1:30pm (lunch): Mixed Greens with Steamed Salmon, Olive Oil & Lemon Juice
4pm (snack): Super Greens Juice
6pm (dinner): Detox Teriyaki Chicken, brown rice, steamed zucchini

DAY SEVEN
7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Raspberry and Rice Milk Smoothie
11:30am: Coconut water
1:30pm (lunch): Miso Soup with Vegetables
4pm (snack): A handful of almonds
6pm (dinner): Steamed fish, quinoa, roasted squash

I'm in day 6 and feel pretty good. My cravings for sweets have come to a halt. I don't even crave chewing gum! I don't think you guys understand, I used to chew gum constantly - until the point where my jaw ached by the end of the day.

Overall - this diet is okay. I enjoy the smoothies and the soups but anything that was supposed to be juiced was terrible. I learned a valuable lesson - juicing vegetables and fruits is much different than blending them. I don't own a juicer so I figured blending would be close. Holy fuck - was I wrong. That "Beet, Carrot, Apple and Ginger Juice" from Day 5? Gwnny described it as "sweet". I guess maybe if I had juiced it, it would have tasted fine… but raw beets blended in a blender? Fucking awful.

I'll blog about the results later but I think this post is long enough. So - anyone interested in following this nutty plan?