Another Fun E-mail

As if I don't have enough nightmares about being abducted and tortured by a serial killer... a colleague just sent me this e-mail. I hate to say that some of it make me chuckle but I thought I'd share with some added commentary:

Important Safety Reminders, especially for Women

Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or love one's life.

Crucial

Because of recent abductions in daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...

This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know.

After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about.

It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

I've actually heard about this and you see it on random TV shows. But seriously - are you really going to remember to throw your 'bows when someone is trying to abduct you? I only throw 'bows in da club.

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

The "RUN LIKE MAD" made me laugh. I've been in this situation before and I just ended up arguing about how they don't need my cell phone and license, JERKS! But they took my phone anyways and ran away from me.

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

What would you do if you saw an arm sticking out of someone's tail light? And aren't most new vehicles built with an interior trunk release nowadays? Who knows. If I were in that situation, I'd probably forget all of this info and wet my pants.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

Ooh - a two-parter! The first part was dead-on for me. I used to sit in my car and balance my checkbook like a weirdo. But since I got married and The Mr took over our finances, I throw caution to the wind and don't balance my checkbook. I get the hell out of there (especially since there have been a few instances where some random dude knocks on my window asking for money to fill his gas tank...?).

I have issue with the second part. How hard are you really going to be able to hit something in a short amount of time that it will eject your airbags? Like if I'm in a parking garage and trying to pick up enough speed to hit something, I'm pretty sure the "attacker" would have killed my ass by then.

5 A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

It IS better to be paranoid than dead. Good point. Actually, I always check my backseat because of that urban legend about the axe murderer that hides in the backseat of people's cars when they stop at a gas station. I also am sure not to stand TOO close to my car when I'm unlocking the door so that the psycho under my car can't slash my ankles. I'm fully aware of all of this... and I'm also aware that I look crazy jumping into my car.

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

I will agree that its dangerous to take the stairs in any parking garage in downtown Baltimore but that's only because you could end up stepping in a puddle of pee or worse... look in an upside traffic cone full of POOP (This happened to The Mr).

But this goes against everything I believe in! As long as I have functioning legs, I will take the stairs (within reason).

And anyways, what about fires? You HAVE to take the stairs! I'm getting mixed messages. Do I take the stairs or not? What if there was a psycho who purposely pulled the fire alarm to get you to run to the stairs? What do you do then? Hhhmmm??

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ.. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

This one made me laugh out loud. I had flashbacks of the DC Sniper shootings (that was NOT a funny situation) and all of the news channels advising people to walk in zig-zags. You'd see all kinds of random folks walking in zig-zag patterns.

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

Once upon a time, I used to be really really obsessed with true crime books, movies, shows, etc. And its why I'm super paranoid about strange men. Have you seen or read American Psycho?! Never trust the overly good-looking man hitting on you (unless of course you're seeking revenge sex... that's an entirely different story).

This actually happened to one of my neighbors. I used to live in the neighborhood close to a major hospital so were a large number of doctors/nurses in my area. And a lot of them used to walk to and from work. So one day, my doctor neighbor was walking home from work when a man came running towards her yelling, "Please help! My dad is having a heart attack!" so her doctor sense of duty kicked in and she followed him into a house... where he attacked her and tried to rape her. She was able to fight him off and run home safely... but hello?!

So I don't trust anyone. You never know! And (!!) its Ted Bundy who's instilled an irrational fear of having my nipples bitten off. I don't think I'll ever be able to nurse my baby (if I have one) because of this fear.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late
and she thought it was weird. The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that
they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ---- This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America 's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.

Okay, this one really made me laugh. Is this true? I guess I could look myself but come on, really? A crying baby?

Unfortunately for that killer, the sound of a crying baby only REPELS me. Babies are weird.