Sunday was quite a hectic day for me. The Mr had to commit the full day to studying so I had to pick up the weekend errand slack that included: laundry, grocery shopping, dinner preparation, lunch for the week preparation and other miscellaneous shopping.
I was feeling a bit scatterbrained that day but the events that unfolded just proved to me why I'm in no way shape or form ready to be a parent. Unless it's a parent of a teenager in which case I'd just learn to accept their emo fashion and whiny music. Unless of course my child ends up being a nerd… and then I'd just have to pry them away from the world of Warcraft or Everquest. But I digress…
I hate grocery shopping when the market is packed. Whole Foods was packed on Sunday. I really just wanted to get the hell out of there but I realized, "Oh no! I forgot to bring my pack of reusable grocery bags!" I'm trying very hard to stick to this reusable bag thing. I always carry one in my purse. I looked at THAT bag, my groceries and then my purse. I shoved everything that wouldn't fit into the reusable bag into my purse. It was very tres chic to have a bunch of bananas hanging out of my purse.
As I struggled up the stairs to the parking garage, I tripped (up the stairs) and fell. I have a pretty nasty bruise on my shin, not to mention the bruise to my ego since a man was standing right behind me.
Reason I'm not ready for a baby? What if I was holding a baby in one of those uber stylish baby slings? I would have crushed my baby! Not to mention the fact that I was already struggling with 2 bags full of groceries. How would I balance that and a kid? You're not allowed to leave babies in cars, right? Man - how do parents do it?
So, I ran all of the other miscellaneous errands and it was time for dinner. I made another fabulous dish from the Veganomicon (I've been slacking on my dinner posts): Pumpkin baked ziti with caramelized onions and sage crumb topping.
As I was thinly slicing the onions, slowly and carefully I might add… the knife slipped on the onion and… I cut 2 of my fingers pretty badly. Although I've been showing some folks my wound this morning and they told me I'm a baby.
After I bled all over the cutting board, The Mr ran upstairs to grab some bandaids. I squealed when I put my cut under the water to rinse it off and cringed when The Mr tried to investigate just how bad the cut truly was. He bandaged me up and I continued on my way.
Because I was in such a state of panic and pain, I fucked up the sage crumb topping.
Regardless, it seemed the bleeding had stopped until I started doing dishes. I bled through the bandaid. As this was happening and I saw my life flash before my eyes, I ran to The Mr who was chatting with his folks and screamed, "I'm bleeeeeeeeeeding! Help me!"
The Mr poured rubbing alcohol on it and I kicked the sink base and the floor a few times but I survived.
Another reason I'm not ready for a baby? I can't even handle my own fucking cut… can you imagine if my child had cut themselves? Ha! I'd be passed out on the floor.
Also the pain of a cut to my finger was close to unbearable, I don't even want to think about having my vagina tear to my butthole.
Btw - if a piece of skin falls into my baked ziti and I eat it (unknowingly) - does it mean I'm no longer a vegetarian?
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11 comments:
Haha, yeah now you're a cannibal! You're funny.
I think you're covered in the blood category since the Mr. took such good care of you.
Now the grocery issue? Leave a bag in the car and return for it after the baby is safe or after your hands aren't so full.
Also, don't trip and you'll be totally fine :)
Don't forget about wiping poop off butts and the crying and stuff.
Maybe you could get a baby helmet. Like it's a helmet you wear and the baby is strapped to the top of it.
I just saw that book on your wish list. Are you going to join the ALF?
"Tear to my butthole" -awesome.
Two words why I am not ready to be a parent: projectile vomit.
I've seen it. I've experienced it. I do not like it.
Hope your fingers are better... I'm at work and I think I laughed a little too loud at the last bit... Thanks for that!
dude, i know.
Here's how parents do it - we move to the suburbs, stroll the cart to our SUV's throw all of the groceries into the back, stroll the cart back to the store, then carry the babies back to the car.
And if you eat your own flesh in backed Ziti, I'm pretty sure it's called canibalism.
Yup. And how 'bout you change the recipe title? "Pumpkin baked ziti with caramelized onions, sage crumb topping, and a bit of skin for that extra zest!" ;)
Oh. The "YUP" was because I understand. Not because you're no longer a vegetarian ;)
ugg, cutting fingers is so traumatic! i feel your pain. and your last two sentences almost made me spit out my coffee out on the keyboard. thanks for the [much-needed] laugh... :-D
Oh no that is terribly embarrassing, but totally normal for me. Why is it girls fall so much more often than guys?
Eek, your finger!
And I'll get back to you on the bringing-babies-and-groceries in at the same time thing in a few months. ;)
Oooh, you must post that recipe! It sounds so delicious. And also, it never fails that I cut my finger while chopping. I try to go too fast and it just never works!!
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