Bad Customer Service

Yarg! I'm so fucking mad right now. I hate, I mean hate, when I receive bad customer service. This is especially infuriating for me because I am always a pleasant customer (despite how I may seem right now).

Back in July (Thursday, July 8th to be exact), I placed several calls to some local printing service businesses to get a quote on something I needed printed. I was seeking the price of 45 color or black & white prints on cardstock in 12x12 in dimensions (think scrapbooking paper). Not tough, right? I needed a printing service because my home printer doesn't expand wide enough for 12 inch wide paper. Stupid printer.

A few businesses said they couldn't meet my needs because of the paper size but one company, Sir Speedy, said they could help me. I spoke with a guy for about 10 minutes explaining what I was looking for and the color quote he gave me was around $60.

Holy fuck - that was about $40 than I wanted to spend.

I asked him what it would cost for black & white prints and he quoted me $14. Yes, $14. I was astounded and he explained that color printing is MUCH more expensive. Well no shit.

He also explained that they'd have to print on 12x18 in paper and then cut it down. All this for $14. Hallelujah!

Stupid me waited until this week to follow back up. I just wanted to confirm the quote so I submitted the information online and received this e-mail:

[MrsTwink],
The cost to produce the 12 x 12 inch copies is $56.50 + tax.

The only thing I'm uncertain about is regarding bleeds. If you want the image to extend beyond the 12x12 inch area, we'll need to produce on press at increased cost.

The machine used for this job will place approx. 1/4 inch white border around the edges.

Nancy [Fuckwit]
Sir Speedy Printing

Wow, that's a pretty big difference from $14. I wrote back confirmed that we were talking about black & white prints here. She confirmed. Still confused, I wrote back explaining the quote I received in July and then received this:

I'm sorry. I've asked [turd 1] and [turd 2] if they spoke to you. Neither of them remembers the conversation. [turd 3] and [turd 4] aren't here to ask.

I'll try to figure out who spoke to you and find out what they were quoting.

It's possible the person speaking with you thought they could run the job on our black and white machine, but it doesn't accept the 12 x 18 stock (largest sheet size is 11 x 17).

Even if you want black and white, it has to run on the color machine.

If you want full color, the cost is $61.00.

Nancy [Fuckwit]
Sir Speedy Printing

Hhmmm… now I'm getting angry. How the fuck did the price jump from $14 to $56?! What did I miss?

I called them this morning and was very pleasant. No need for name calling just yet. [Turd 2] answered the phone and when I mentioned the situation, replied, "We were talking about your situation this morning. Nobody wants to fess up!"

Then he puts Nancy Fuckwit on the phone. Well - Nancy couldn't have been a bigger bitch to me. Nothing angers me more than when customer service folk talk down to me as though I'm mentally challenged. As though I don't understand the complicated world of printing stuff. As though I'm a liar who makes up fake quotes.

Well - nobody here remembers speaking to you… Perhaps the guy you spoke to was in the middle of other things and misspoke… oh, you talked for 15 minutes? Well - he must have misunderstood how the printer works… well, we honor our quotes for 30 days so if you would have come in that day, we would have honored that price… although just to cut down the paper would have cost more than that! I don't understand where you're getting that number…" And so on.

Stupid me should have quickly hung up the phone with whoever gave me the miracle quote back in July and drove over to the store. Stupid me assumed that the workers at Sir Speedy weren't fucking assholes.

Yarg!

I called another print service today, ABC Imaging and that guy couldn't have been nicer! When I mentioned that I had owned the paper I wanted to print to, he said we could try it out on their printers to see if it would be accepted (there's a good chance it wouldn't) and the cost would be much less. He even offered to have someone pick the paper up FROM ME today to check it out!

I told him I didn't have it with me but that The Mr works just around the corner from their store and would stop by tomorrow. He quoted me $21.25 if my paper worked, $31.25 if I have to use their paper plus an additional $10 if I need it cut down (and I will).

However, stupid me forgot to get that guy's name. D'oh! Let's hope he doesn't end up being a fuckwit like Nancy.

I Brought My Stomping Boots

I know I haven't finished my whole woe is me, I hate what I'm doing for a living right now because I'm not feeling personally fulfilled crap but this is something that is just way too good and I can't possibly not blog about it.

This is my last full week of school. I have a final presentation tonight (for my semester long SQL project) and a final presentation on Thursday (for my software testing class). I only have one final exam (yippeee!) next Monday. It feels good to be done.

I think I've mentioned that I'm not terribly fond of my SQL group. The fuckwit (fw) from last semester that didn't do any work is in this group and it wasn't by my invitation. Anywho - to sum up the nuttiness that has been taking place over the last 2 weeks, I will list it out with fun bullets:

- Out of 27 procedures to code, fw signed up for 2.
- We, as a group, decided 2 weeks ago that we'd stay after class to do some peer testing of our code since the final presentation is tonight. We ALL agreed. The prof concluded class early (1 hr 15 min) so we could work on it. FW gave some excuse about how he can't stay because he has a kid. Let's just say that's a hot button issue for me (it's not my fault you have kids and it doesn't make my time any less valuable, jerk!) and I blew up and yelled at him to leave.
- A girl, let's call her Panic Room (pr), has taken on a lead role in this group but hasn't really added much value outside of flooding my inbox with panic-stricken messages about broken code and WHAT!ARE!WE!GOING!TO!DO!
- PR and FW have been sparring back and forth a bit about broken code and lack of contribution

So... much to my pleasant surprise, after sorting through the 20 panic-filled e-mails from PR I saw this exchange:

From: FW
To: Entire Group

could any one of you tell me where the mistake is by looking at this function because this works for me and it worked for [Twink] except what she found.

The last part of that email was unnecessary. Think about it.

From: PR
To: FW
CC: Rest of Group

IT'S NOT WORKING! Did you check this?
[school crap]

I just spent my entire afternoon at work testing YOUR procedures SEVERAL
times, even though I have actual work at my job to do. Alright, [FW]?
Maybe [Twink] didn't test this part. Sometimes the more testing you do the
more things you uncover. So don't take this defensively, [FW]. The fact
is that there ARE errors with your code. It shouldn't be recalling every
single transaction that had used that issue_id even though the transaction
was returned. What's not necessary is that your code is still
significantly flawed at the 11th hour before the project is due. What's
not necessary is that we ([Twink] and I) still have to do that much testing on
your code, because it shouldn't be that wrong at this point of the
project. I can understand some little mistakes here and there, but this is
so wrong.


At this point, I am cracking up. She's definitely provoking him and being a tad crappy but she's not really saying anything that I'm NOT thinking. But it gets better.

Apparently he responded directly to her after that e-mail with this:

To: PR
From: FW
Its not the the 11th hour [PR]. Think about it. Nobody asked you to do all that testing. Its good that you did but nobody asked you. Everybody is not perfect, PR, so curb your stanking attitude, for real. Stick to the issue. I asked you what I could possibly do to fix it. If you can help then help. Keep your smart ass comments to your self. Thanks.

I have to say, I kind of agreed with him. She was getting a little out of line. But she took this e-mail and CC'ed the rest of the group on her reply:

From: PR
To: FW
CC: Rest of Group
In regards to your message:

You know what [FW]. I have enough of YOUR stinking attitude. I think
the entire team has enough of YOUR stinking attitude.

Maybe you, not me, should be the one testing your code. And since you
didn't, someone is picking up your slack. Why don't you shove it up your
ass?

I don't recommend that you continue to send me or anyone of us nasty
emails when you know you are entirely slacking on this project and turning
up shitty work. I think you know that your grade is on the line here. If
not, let me remind you that we have the right to veto you out of this
project so that you will get major points deducted. Okay? So, if you can't
be responsible for your own action, maybe you should at least be nicer. If
you can't be a professional, then just shut up.

Seriously - I was dying. She was definitely out of line but here is the absolute best part of the whole exchange:

From: FW
To: PR
CC: Rest of Group

I told you to watch your mouth. My grade is just fine. I did everything assigned to me. I can Prove that. My wife is going to be there to show you whose ass to shove it up.

Did he really just threaten her with his wife?! Hahaha! We are in graduate school! He is a PARENT. Hysterical!

How do I attract these nutjobs to be in my group? So, she wrote me and said she was a little nervous because she had never been threatened before. I told her I'd have her back (she's a tiny little thing) and even packed my Timberlands (oh yes, I went there) just in case I need them.

Hahahah - what a great way to end the semester!

Random Complaints about School

This post could have also shared Friday's post title but instead, I'm just going to do what I do best and complain about the fuckwits at school.

- Wouldn't you assume that a PhD candidate would be intellectual? Or at least intellectual enough to help construct theories for your semester project? One of my groups consists of me, a PhD candidate and another guy pursuing his Masters (like me). While the PhD candidate is very sweet and has printed off all of our deliverables to hand in to the professor, I consistently find myself putting forth much more effort than them. Example: we each had to read 15 articles and summarize them. I read my f'n 15 articles. They read 6. Even so, I'm constantly asking them for input on our project. We're supposed to write a research proposal and they're not coming up with shit! I wonder if the guy is even ever around? He never responds to e-mails.

The PhD candidate consistently waits until the last minute for everything and she asks me too many questions. Hasn't she already been in my shoes? She has her damn Masters! Step it up, lady... you're pissing me off!

- My other group, while they started off strong (minus the turd from the last group), has completely dropped off. The girl that was taking the reigns for awhile only signed up to do X amount of work and it sucks. This is her only class. While she works full time and has a sickly parent - I also work full time, have a sickly parent AND I'm taking another class. I'm the one that has to send e-mails to get people to sign up for shit. I feel like their f'n mothers. Step it up, group.

- Is it wrong that I refuse to give another classmate (an ex team member) answers to my homework? I received this e-mail:
Hi MT,

I know its spring break, but did you turn in or are you still working on homework 6? I just did number 1, now #2 sounds pretty crazy. I remembered you said you got some help from a coworker before on some previous crazy questions. Plus this is going to be on the test, so I like need to get it and understand it at the same time as quick as I can, you know?

-Turd

I responded with:
Hello!

yes, I did finish it and I got 100% on it. Its actually not nearly as complicated as it seems. I did try to seek advice from coworkers but they just made the problem more complicated.

You just need to [insert very helpful hints here].

I was nice and VERY helpful but I wasn't about to hand over my answers. This shit took me awhile to figure out!

I then opened my inbox to see this:
Oh ok, well which kind of loop did you use? [King Turd] is guiding me towards the [wrong answer], and I've only seen like one slide on that, so I don't know if I want to go with that. I mean in reference to time, I'm just getting in from out of town, with a half page of notes done. I need to hurry and get the answer to number to so I can actually "study" for this test. Homeworks are anything, tests are what really is important for the final grade. I just dont want to try this number 2 and get it wrong, then I study it the wrong way and by doing all this, i'm actually wasting study time. If you don't feel comfortable giving it to me, then I'll understand and bite the bullet.

Did he really just ask me for the answer outright? This motherfucker is going to grad school on a FULL scholarship. Do your own damn work!

Sometimes I think all of the world's problems could be solved by giving the troublemakers a swift kick in the balls. Or lady parts. Because I'm on the verge of kicking all of my team members.

An Open Letter: Credit Card Company

An Open Letter to My Credit Card Company:

The phone representative that I spoke to at 10:20am on Thursday, November 15th is an idiot.

Your website sucks too.

When I'm trying to add another bank account to my credit card, it shouldn't be this difficult. I'm trying to PAY YOU. WITH MONEY! Asking for a "security word" without any sort of hint as to what it is makes no sense. How the hell am I supposed to know? That's why other credit card companies invented "Security Questions".

Phone rep, how do you have a job? Is your job to upset people? If so, you deserve an A+, fuckwit. When I call you to add another bank account to my credit card, don't ask me if I want to sign up for other programs.

When you asked if I wanted to add an authorized user and I SPECIFICALLY said that I didn't want to add another person I want to add another BANK ACCOUNT, don't proceed to ask me questions about the new authorized user.

I hate you. If I'm not all pooped out from pooing on my team members, I'm pooping on you. POOOOP.

Fuckwit.

Sincerely,

Mrs Twink

An Open Letter: Grad School Team

An Open Letter to My Team in My Grad School Class:

You guys suck. How did you even get accepted into Graduate school? Going to graduate school implies that you had graduated from an undergraduate university with a bachelor's degree. This implies that you might be somewhat smart... but if not smart, at least that you're able to produce work.

I have yet to see any of the aforementioned qualities.

One of you works full-time. How do you maintain a job? You're an idiot. You don't seem to comprehend basic mathmatical equations. You bombed the first exam. You're a software programmer! You're supposed to be skilled in math. Skilled with logic. Skilled with ability to understand requirements and execute them. And yet - when I convey the high-level requirements of our project, you make me explain them to you in a thousand different ways. I've even drawn you pictures. YOU STILL DON'T GET IT. For god's sake, we're making a database of DOGS.

And you, the other one... YOU'RE HERE ON A FULL SCHOLARSHIP! How did you earn a scholarship? Maybe you are somewhat mentally handicapped and in that respect, you have come a long way. I don't think that you can medically be classified as handicapped. You're just dumb.

We've had 2 full months to at least begin working on our project. In these months, I have come up with the project, laid out a high-level design of the project, written the proposal AND the progress report. I've even cured cancer. Okay... not the last one but would you have noticed? No. You guys are turds.

Now we have 3 weeks left to work on a project that was supposed to take 3 months. When I ask you to help me solidify real detailed design, you don't get it. You don't understand anything.

I want to hit you. Then when you're on the ground recovering from my mighty blow, I'm going to poop on you. Then I'm going to wipe my butt with your velour track suit. And then I'll try to spit on you.

You guys suck.

Sincerely,

The most awesome business analyst ever

P.S. I just want to reitirate how dumb you guys are. When we're "brainstorming" what characteristics we should query on when selecting the best dog breed, don't call out "Gender". I'm pretty sure every breed of dog comes in female or male. Dumbass.

No Use Crying Over Spilled Oatmeal

I'm kind of bored with talking about Puerto Rico already. So instead, I'm going to talk about the fuckwit security guard in my office building who caused me to spill half of my breakfast on him yesterday morning.

Everyone knows that there is an unspoken rule of where you walk down a hall. Its like the rules of the road. You walk in the center towards the right side. This prevents people from running into each other around corners and makes for smooth passing of other walkers.

Apparently turdy security guard didn't get the memo.

I was walking my usual way to the microwave to heat up my oatmeal (don't judge me, oatmeal mixed with some raisins and a banana is delicious and my source of fiber everyday) after I had filled the bowl with some ridiculously hot water. Well, when I rounded the corner, the turd was on the LEFT SIDE and I ran smack into him and spilled half of my breakfast on him.

Douchebag!

He looked at me like, "You're a whore" instead of, "Oh crap - I am totally walking on the wrong side, aren't I?"

He found me later in the day and said, "Don't worry, I got most of it off my shirt." I wanted to poop on him.

I'm gunning for him now. I'm bringing extra oatmeal and if I see him on the wrong side of the hall, I'm throwing it at him.

And... good morning, everyone!

I'll continue talking about PR later because I have fifty bajillion pictures to post (mostly of Linday, Carlo, Maria and Drew... seriously, did we just take a vacation together?).